Perspective

Last night I was reading a friend's blog and came across her post about a separate blog about a little girl named Cora Paige.  I found this blog just after I had posted in our mom thread about what a nightmare dinner time is around here.  Let me back up.

For some reason between the hours of 5:00 and bedtime all hell breaks loose around here. I fondly refer to 5:30 as the "witching hour."  Sophie generally cries to be picked up by whoever is cooking.  It makes it extremely difficult to cook.  She doesn't stop and sometimes really goes into hysterics.  Tripp used to be as bad, but now that he is mobile (crawling, walking) he is better and will generally play by himself for a few minutes.  If dinner isn't on the table by 6:00 we are in trouble.  I am not joking!  

Dinner starts off like any other family dinner.  We put food on the plates, cut up kids food, let them eat.  No more than 5 minutes into dinner, Sophie starts getting out of her seat and wondering around.  Sometime she wants to feed Tripp, but usually she wants to run around like a crazy girl.  It takes a lot of patience to try and get her back in her seat and eating.  Eating is a different story.  She used to be good at it, but she's entered that toddler stage of always wanting one thing - like chicken nuggets.  Ugh.  Meanwhile, Tripp is eating his dinner like a good boy but is finishing up.  He's a pretty fast eater.  When he is done eating he starts throwing food to the ground and banging his head against the highchair.  I don't know if this is dangerous, but it sure seems like it is.  He thinks it's funny, but it scares the crap out of me.  So now we have Sophie crying/screaming because we are making her sit in her seat and Tripp banging his head on the highchair.  John and I haven't even started our food yet.  It's a nightmare.  I hate dinner time these days.  After dinner everyone returns to the angels they are.  It's really weird.

So back to the blog I mentioned above.  Here I am complaining about dinner time and then I read the blog.  My life is so good.  I have these two beautiful, healthy, amazing children who I love dearly - and who love me - and I have husband who is so helpful, so wonderful, that I really cannot put my feelings for him into words.  And then there are families out there dealing with the tragedy of losing a child.  It makes my "nightmare" dinner so trivial compared to the nightmare of burying a child.

I felt like such an idiot after I read that blog.  This sweet family of 3 were so happy - Mommy, daddy, and 9 month old baby Cora.  Cora was just a month younger than Tripp.  She was sick with her 3rd ear infection, which is not really uncommon, so they went to the drs.  They mentioned 2 other weird symptoms that they had recently noticed and left that appointment with the terrible and tragic news that their daughter had cancer.  I cannot even imagine.  Just thinking about this again is bringing me to tears.  Tears of sadness, anguish, disbelief.  How can a little 9 month old be diagnosed with stage 4 cancer?  This has got to be one of the worst fears of a parent.  

I read this blog just before bed last night and could not sleep.  To be honest, I cried uncontrollably and eventually cried myself to sleep.  I cried for the family, for the baby that lost her life so early, for me because I lost perspective on life, and for the thought of losing my children one day.  Being a mother is the best "job"  I have ever had, but it is also the hardest.  I am so thankful for so many things.  The blog put my life in perspective and made me remember how good I really have it.  I've learned that as a parent you are constantly walking a fine line - do you discipline this time or let it slide, do you bargain with this to get that, do you ignore this behavior so you can "pick your battles" and discipline a worse behavior later?  I just don't know.  

Last night at dinner all Sophie wanted was to sit on my lap and eat my food.  This is recurring - she always wants my food instead of hers (even if it's the same) and she doesn't want to sit in her seat.  She usually wants to eat then take a break and play then come back and eat ... this could go on for an hour if we let it ... or she simply ones to sit on daddy's lap.  Whatever it is, she doesn't want to sit in her chair and eat.  We really want her to sit and eat dinner.  We don't want to foster a bad habit by allowing her to get up and down at dinner.  So we put her back in her seat.  If she won't stay, we assume she's done and take the dinner away, unless she says otherwise and gets in her seat to eat.   That's how the "experts" say to handle this behavior.  However, now I wonder if I should just let her sit on mine or John's lap?  How many more years will this go on?  Probably not forever.  Is this issue really that big a deal?  She'll grow out of this stage I'm sure.  I think Cora's parents would say to me that I'm lucky to have a baby who can sit on my lap and to cherish this time even if it's not the behavior I want because I don't want to look back one day and wish she were here to sit on my lap.  You know?  I know I can't think like this every time Sophie does something we don't like, but I can put it all in perspective.  I'm blessed with the life I have and I need to remember that.  I need more patience and I need more perspective.  I certainly gained the latter from Cora's parents.  Even after the loss of Cora, they remain strong, thanking God for the short time they had Cora and for using her life positively - affecting people like me and families all over.  I know God works in mysterious ways, but it's so hard for me to understand how he works through a baby like this. I know this baby is with God and that's about all that makes me feel at peace with this.

So for now I'm going to remember to be thankful for all the time I have with my babies.  To give them even more kisses and hugs and tell them I love them even more than I already do.  I'm going to read that 12th book to Sophie when I put her to bed, even though I tell her only 3 or 4 books and after each one I keep saying only 1 more.  I'm going to nurse Tripp another few weeks because that is special bonding time for us.  I'm going to hope and pray that dinner time becomes less chaotic and try to deal with it with patience until that time happens.  I'm going to remember every day how wonderful my life is and that I have the two sweetest babies on this earth.  I will remember how blessed I am and I will continue to thank God for that.  And, to the sweet family who lost Cora, I will pray for you and for her.  I'm truly sorry for your loss.  You have reminded me how special life really is and that time with your children is the most important thing in life.